Possum for Christmas?

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December 23, 2009

'Humble Reporter' receives a holiday gift that's not for the weak of stomach

By BILL MARDIS, Editor Emeritus The Commonwealth Journal Wed Dec 23, 2009, 08:13 PM EST

or the hard to satisfy gourmet palate. For a taste you’ll never forget.”

Enticing words such as that on a Yuletide gift almost makes one ignore the “Don’t open until Christmas” admonition. Your mouth waters just thinking about it.

Like they do on television, it may be well to warn this saga is graphic, maybe stomach-turning is a better way to put it. This newspaper should be kept out of reach of today’s youngsters.

Also, if you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth; if you drink tea with your pinkie at parade rest; if you spell possum opossum; if you’re picky about what you eat; you’re probably too sophisticated to enjoy food straight from the pavement.

Let’s go back to the beginning. This newspaper’s Humble Reporter has been telling around town he is being ignored by Santa Claus. He has expressed fear in the hearing of some “friends” that his stocking on Christmas morning might be full of switches.

For the rare person not already acquainted, let us introduce Bill “Turtle” Roberts, a retired Somerset firefighter and still-active photographer. Turtle has pulled many a reporter’s fat out of the fire by supplying a photograph of a conflagration when the newsman’s camera misfired. If you’ve ever tried to take pictures of a house on fire at night you know what we mean.

Turtle’s heart is on the right side. He has compassion for the unfortunate. He is trying to help. So, just hours before Santa made his appointed rounds, Turtle walked in the newsroom with what looked like a regular can off the grocery shelf. A red ribbon at the top made it look Christmacy.

“Here ... here’s you something for Christmas,” Turtle grinned, handing the bow-topped can to Humble Reporter.

One glance and it is obvious this isn’t a run-of-the-mill treat. According to he label it is “Creamed possum with sweet potatoes.”

Turtle’s Christmas gift reflects his knowledge of your Humble Reporter’s background as a hayseed out of the Muldraugh Hill section of Taylor County where a good crop year is signaled when persimmons are ripe. And possums winter well when there is a bountiful crop of persimmons.

Turtle paid good money for the can of possum. He wanted to make sure Humble had something under the tree.

According to the label, the creamed possum is a chef’s delight. Here’s what it says:

“Ingredients from the highways of U.S.A. Prime road-kill possum cooked to perfection with greens and boiled sweet potatoes and simmered in fat gravy. For best results, serve cold while still greasy.”

The meal in a can is copyrighted in 1998 by J. Dene Enterprise. A stamp on the bottom said the delicacy is best if eaten by August 17, 2011. Humble promises to eat it long before that.

Motto of J. Dene Enterprise is “Help keep our roadsides clear. Eat more possum.” The company also suggests other natural foods should grace your table. Among the products marketed by Dene are “possum porridge,” “creamed cat and dumplings,” “rack of raccoon” and “shake N bake snake.”

While city slickers turn up your noses and gag, Humble Reporter is putting his feet under the table. We invited Turtle to break bread, but he said he was on a diet and creamed possum has too many calories. It makes us wonder if he is trying to put us off.

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'Humble Reporter' receives a holiday gift that's not for the weak of stomach

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